going nowhere

i'm going nowhere.

i feel slightly numb.

writing is an outlet for me and allows me to be who i want to be,

when i want to be,

where i want to be.

i wear my heart on my sleeve.

the problem i face with such low walls is i have the ability to be hurt.

and that's what i've done, 

what i'm doing.

it's easy to blame others for the way we feel inside and the torment we're "put through".

but as i'm sure i've said before, 

it's easier to blame than to accept the responsibility for how you let others make you feel.

it's funny how you remember things.

how sometimes only good memories flood your mind 

and how you laugh to yourself about how dumb your decisions were and still might be.

i can smile to myself for moments when i think shallowly about our past

and when i don't allow for other people or words to barge through those thoughts.

remembering how much of myself i explored with you and through you.

how i did things, 

said things, 

saw things i never fathomed i would.

but this is going nowhere.

the waves that once rushed through me have subsided.

and i've grown used to the disappointment and the sadness, 

the hurt and the numb.

because feeling these things seemed worth feeling.

i mean the very idea of feeling something over nothing at all was addictive.

i can't be who you want me to be, especially because i don't think i'd ever be good enough.

i can't be her, and even if i were, i don't think you'd care.

and please know, i wanted to be; with so many wishes and prayers, i thought i could.

i never thought i'd want to be someone else so badly.

but i guess i always thought that you'd care more because i cared so much.

you are not to blame for the subtext i hear

or the words that aren't spoken

and how i wear such vulnerability so exposed for you to see.

the hard thing about writing this down is that it has certainly become true.

truer than the first word,

the first sentence,

and the last.

i miss so much in missing you.

but like steady roads traveled on safe plains through quiet calm nights,

sadly, we're going nowhere.