tree of hearts

 

if hearts grew on trees,

i'd plant seeds every day

wait patiently near mounds of earth

across rough roots i'd lay.

if tears would make them bloom,

i'd cry almost every night.

if laughter gave life to your limbs

i'd find joy with all my might.

and if i could buy your love

with the hearts i tended to

i'd give them all up, i'd cut them down

sacrificing each one for you.

the dream

you were sitting on the ledge of my window

and i against the wall on my wooden desk chair.

in silence we stared at one another,

and you know what i wanted.

you had promised yourself to me many times before; 

i was aiming to collect.

you had the letter in your hand, 

and in small cursive letters, my name was spelled out.

before i could stand and run to your words,

you walked right through the glass.

as you fell, in slow motion i watched

and you nearly hit the ground.

in some unexplainable way, black feathers shot from your arms

and you suddenly began to fly.

high up near the clouds that had since turned to gray

i lost sight of you against charcoal smears.

only moments had passed when you began to descend

but your wings would not resist the wind.

with rushing force, you fell from the sky 

and landed in a moss filled swamp.

to my surprise, you were not alone; 

thousands of others float lifeless near you now.

the letter you left on my window ledge

that i hoped had the answers to all i'd want, 

was nothing but blank page after page

even in dreams you hid truth from me.

i'll show you

this world hasn't always been kind

to tender hearts like yours.

having never asked for anything

but expecting love all the same; 

receiving back and forth direction

not knowing who to trust.

looking around dark corners

in unsuspecting views,

watching everyone over your shoulder

fearing disappointment.

pieces of you have been left behind

and some may never be found.

because people you loved hurt you

and that you never deserved.

as you aged you grew a bit wiser

and opened parts for them to see

but in fates that twist in unseen ways

they dragged you back for more.

i'm not going to be the one

who saves you from your pain, 

who takes you from imperfect lands

or seeks the answers of your descent.

but i'll be the one to show you

that i won't leave your side

and in times of struggle or despair

i won't be far behind.

and i'll be the one who shows you

that darkness still needs light

and loving hearts live long past pain; 

i'm always on your side.

everyone said it better

under a cotton blue sky filled with cherubim clouds

i smiled all day long

singing joyfully down streets of green

the sweet summer wind caressed the blonde strands of my hair

i couldn't have asked for more

in clearer minds i see you now

and this clarity nearly robs my breath

stars that had dimmed in a bruised night's sky 

had clouded definition i knew existed

through others words and melodies so sweet

i thought i could say it to you

i've thought of a thousand things to say

but everyone said it better

so know that in parts

however small, however big

that today i was happy

and to thank you seems too much

but know that this is true

agape

unconditional love.

love which knows nothing more than to comfort and console.

a feeling of connection

that is far beyond one's control.

a love deeper than that of a man

a word that can not explain; 

the unspoken that no one may understand.

that feeling of unburdened faith, 

a caressing soothe that is caught off guard

linked in and attached to an expression

takes no pleasure nor reward.

as if magnetic force had drawn you here

and that electrical surge you cannot ignore

could string itself from universe to ground

from mountain to plain, from sea to shore.

you know what this is, you've felt it before

this love for humanity that we try and shape

can't ever be broken, as hard as some try

we continue to love and forget how to hate.

smile through my tears

i could never regret

days that have come before

because without yesterday 

i couldn't be prepared for tomorrow

and though it seems

in fits of anger and moments so sad

like i would give it back

to make things right

the right would be wrong

and i'd have changed my path

so instead of backtracking days before

i look to life ahead

and in the face of regret i smirk

and politely shake his hand

because even when it rains

and the sun shines at the same time

it's like today was meant to be

and i can smile through my tears.

oh that heart,

which hurts my heart

why do i let you though?

the heart you draw

territorially loud

won't make his heart grow.

for the heart he has

that's not for you

and has never been for me

is for newer prospects

with gullable hearts

in love with him they'll be.

going nowhere

i'm going nowhere.

i feel slightly numb.

writing is an outlet for me and allows me to be who i want to be,

when i want to be,

where i want to be.

i wear my heart on my sleeve.

the problem i face with such low walls is i have the ability to be hurt.

and that's what i've done, 

what i'm doing.

it's easy to blame others for the way we feel inside and the torment we're "put through".

but as i'm sure i've said before, 

it's easier to blame than to accept the responsibility for how you let others make you feel.

it's funny how you remember things.

how sometimes only good memories flood your mind 

and how you laugh to yourself about how dumb your decisions were and still might be.

i can smile to myself for moments when i think shallowly about our past

and when i don't allow for other people or words to barge through those thoughts.

remembering how much of myself i explored with you and through you.

how i did things, 

said things, 

saw things i never fathomed i would.

but this is going nowhere.

the waves that once rushed through me have subsided.

and i've grown used to the disappointment and the sadness, 

the hurt and the numb.

because feeling these things seemed worth feeling.

i mean the very idea of feeling something over nothing at all was addictive.

i can't be who you want me to be, especially because i don't think i'd ever be good enough.

i can't be her, and even if i were, i don't think you'd care.

and please know, i wanted to be; with so many wishes and prayers, i thought i could.

i never thought i'd want to be someone else so badly.

but i guess i always thought that you'd care more because i cared so much.

you are not to blame for the subtext i hear

or the words that aren't spoken

and how i wear such vulnerability so exposed for you to see.

the hard thing about writing this down is that it has certainly become true.

truer than the first word,

the first sentence,

and the last.

i miss so much in missing you.

but like steady roads traveled on safe plains through quiet calm nights,

sadly, we're going nowhere.

 

where i met God

in a cave, carved out of snow

three feet up from the cement

under the street light on my street

in front of my house next to father's car

on winter break two days before christmas,

about to storm.  in a snow suit

boots in place, mittens gone missing, 

eyes frozen shut, hands clasped, mind open.

under the street light above the cement

in a cave carved out of snow, 

is where i met God.

more

in the quiet navy night

celestial sequins paint the sky

turning tips of green leaves silver

as the wind brings them to life

up stretched upon his toes

silk smooth grass runs faster than he

arms shot out unto his sides

hands reach out for something more

palms up to catch the beams

moonlight dances through distant trees

catching glimpses of what's sought

and what is seemingly out of reach

leaping out from hill to hill

he stops sudden in familiar place

lifts eyes to watch the show

celestial sequins leave him to smile

the road

i've written all the words i can

to make you understand this better.

through sloppy metaphor and tiring pentameter

i've breached my creative limits.

in threatening ways, i've balanced our friendship

though many of them were bluffs.

on a scale that was never level

i've rested in places of dissatisfying content.

and yet, before i leave to dream of things to come

i can't stop myself from a lasting note.

it would be unfair of me to write poorly of you

even though you deserve it.

and the satisfaction of leaving on such poor terms

would, selfishly, leave an unease.

so, in tradition with the advice i give

and what i hope for you and your future...

please treat others better than me,

and love them for what they want to be to you.

because you never know who will come around

when you think you need them least,

and hopefully you've learned from me, as i from you

and you're willing to give it a try.

but my friend, this is the last note i'll write you; 

exhaustion has found my end.

d.a.b.d.a

you're probably too busy to see me today

and you're right, it is kind of late.

you'll probably call me tomorrow or the next

and i'll be ready when you decide to talk.

i'm so through with you and your silly mind games

and the way you choose to treat me.

you make me feel sick, and so fucking abused

i'm moving on, and you should too.

but, if i treat you really well, better than before,

maybe you'll take me back.

if i put you on pedestals, higher than high,

maybe you'll forgive me from before.

i'm going to buy myself some icecream 

and cry to sad songs.

lay in bed watching my phone

but i know you won't call.

this is how it has been, and it's time to move on

from your careless and using ways.

denial, anger, bargaining, depression aside; 

i'm accepting my future without you.

flightless bird

i know where you go when your eyes drift away

and your thoughts lose direction, 

when you smile to yourself.

i know why you lead me down unmarked paths,

why you're in a state of absence,

who has a grip on your mind.

i thought i had found my flightless bird,

a creature able to fly,

who turns away from such freedoms.

i hoped you would find love in my heart,

strength in my stance

and a mate near my soul.

yet you found another in streams of obligation,

clouds of content,

in tales of misleading.

you gave up pieces of yourself with little protest,

signed away lumps of your soul,

for present company pleasure.

but you misjudged me long ago when you thought i'd leave

where you thought i would wait,

to be easily found.

and in places where i go when my eyes drift away

and my thoughts lose direction and i smile to myself,

you are no longer there.

giape

[what i hope for you]

 

be fair to young hearts that pull at your thoughts

and be sweet in good favor to those who deserve you

replace tabs of ripped flesh with pieces so tender

and kiss the lids of loving eyes that only for you exist

write her the words you've been hesitant to say

carefully choose phrasing that won't mislead or confuse

she's been waiting for this moment from you

for pain burns the love she feels but can not show

and now as you leave here, you leave her too

fairness to blind love is demanded

for the heart strings you pull upon unsturdy whims

take longer to heal and never regain their patient strength

and young girls in young love will remember these times

comparisons grind deep as dust settles down your path

so be fair to her heart as you tell her goodbye

kiss her cheek sweetly and wipe the tears from her eyes

please remember what i say as she watches you leave

for her story begins when you finally turn her page

9

lifted to atmospheric heights, i dance upon the clouds

eager smiles and giddy laughter flutters in my heart

a feeling of purity and direction ceases all worry

i look down below at where i was once

and furrow at thoughts of a timid nature

how time and space has changed this brave girl

as a navy sky envelopes the sun's swollen rays

i wrap myself in the safe white fluffy love

never again needing the earth's surface against my feet

i delight in who i'll be

i delight in who i'll be one day

when i meet you again.

like a pleasant memory from a future life

that cares not why or when.

and still sometimes it makes me sad

to leave a part of me behind.

because who i am today

is who you knew

when you meant so much to me

and i meant so much to you.

yet, i'm excited to meet this new version

and see where these months take me next.

because regardless of what you've touched in my past

and what i may tell people that you've ruined,

i'll be better,

and for this i'm delighted.

dead end company

glassy, blue, three white eyes

pinned like sequins in navy skies

look lovingly upon whats deemed right

but cares little of their lies at night.

three quarters of the way, persistence

one quarter of the way, resistance

i'm no better than spilled, smeared paint

drawn rigidly over time with little complaint.

i don't know what's best for of you though

you like her enough to let me go

you've been so thoughtless all along

and i've tried hard to hold up strong

and while it's hard for me to see

that you choose dead end company

in a masochistic production spree

it's time for you to set me free

the used

allowances on my behalf have occurred too frequently.

i blame myself a lot for how i feel right now.

but to be fair, i blame you too.

i handed myself over to you a long time ago

and you haven't taken care of me,

the way you know you should.

and i feel used.

i feel ashamed.

because this messed up person,

who you'll soon release back into the world,

will be damaged.

the process of rebuilding will become someone's burden,

and who will want me now?

you've used me.

you've toyed with my good and willing heart,

no stretch of time or distance will change this history.

and this is how i'll remember you.

the unknown, pt. 2

the unspoken words that string themselves between your phrases 

have become tiring to translate.

why you can't say what you mean,

even if answers to questions burn,

has never been made clear.

because what happens in the space between

your cryptic and nonsensical language

is an uproar of emotion

deemed unnecessary by yourself.

dangling what you want to say

far enough away for me to see but not to reach

has chipped away at a stamina once strong.

conclusions i could make would cut you loose

and let you off the hook you hang yourself on.

and there is some pride left in me

that wants an admission to ways you've allowed.

so in my own cryptic way,

throwing eloquent words together

that are saturated in poise,

i'm asking for a choice.

and while i may not like the answers you give,

the honesty you take with me 

is but a short stride in the reality you give yourself.

so when you find yourself without me,

your crutch, 

a resting post you've no doubt become reliant on,

you may want to ask yourself a question.

and while you may not like the answer

once you've stringed between the phrases,

know that while honesty is harder than deceit,

you lost me,

and you're the only one to blame.