mantra

ember rocks and wooden crosses.

a high place to stand, new construction, world domination.

dirty hair, green lights, violins.

fire and rain.

black talent, white trash, soy sauce.

crimson tails and patchouli.

windy trees, stars, swans and fountains.

lakes.

circular moon beams and forest preservation.

tan skin, swing sets and glowing trees.

tidal waves, mountains, needles and ink.

scars, chlorine, chronicles

cheap beer, lemons, clubs

phil collins, raw fish, empty canvas

stale smoke, nurseries, corner coffee shops

philosophers and planes.

orange flowers.

it doesn’t matter today.

goodbye horses

i laugh.
what a fool i have been,
and so blinded by stories.

ways in which i feel sorrow for you,
and play in to such unfair schemes.

thinking i could be someone i am not,
someone you would care more for,
someone who i don't want to be.

molding myself in to a woman
that would be fit to be called your own.

watching your ways,
observing interests that seem important to you,
yet run parallel to me.

women who fit these molds,
girls who have squeezed their way in to you; 
pouring all they have to light fire in your eyes.

how silly have i been.
letting days pass me by,
losing a recollection i once knew so well.

but i think sometimes,
when you've finally lessened my own self worth,
how awful are you?

to sit by and watch as you wave hearts from your face
like mosquitoes buzzing around your sweat filled brow.

better to be a fool in love,
than a fool running from it.

white rapids

rough waters i have swam

rocky trails i have traced

and steep hills i have climbed

still puts acres between you and i.

i suppose that great feats

would prove something to you this time,

but i can't seem to do it right.

others, my competitive foes

seem to only move through

with ease.

but the battle seems uneven

as you never let me win.

just as i break down the stone

that keeps one side from another

you build your mountains higher

and the journey begins again.

car window

driving to a familiar place, 

i roll my window down to breathe in crisp summer smells.
one hand on the wheel, the other dangling out to dance through the wind, 

i smile at the flashing memory.

the taste of tobacco on my tongue and the shifting air across my back 

leads me to a vivid flash.

and just as soon as i think of you, the image begins to fade.

i smile at the distance as a song comes on that reminds me of your ways,

and breaches other thoughts that work their way in.

time has created this gap and space holds it strong like two bases of a concrete bridge.

and though tears try and find their way as a familiar sadness enters my heart,

the flashes dissipate once more.

for you, my once trusted

my once thought of,

my once loved...

have trailed away from me

as sudden and smooth as the wind that still dances around my hand.

an open letter

the hardest part was letting go, not taking part.  
you really broke my heart.

i love.  with every breath i take, i love everyone, everything, everyday that i am given.  in times of pain, i see days without.  during dark trials, i see light around corners.  i am hopeful that one day i will be shown the kind of love that i bestow unto the world and mostly unto people.

maybe i'm addicted to bad behavior.  or perhaps i lure people into my life that i allow to take advantage of me and my willing nature.  and it makes me so sad that anyone would do this to me.  that someone i would move mountains for, someone i would try and protect every single day would not do the same for me.  it wakes me up at 3:30 in the morning to a pool of tears.  

the realization is bad itself because that takes time.  but then there are more direct confrontations you see.  it's as if my true self and this loving alternate version of myself meet only on occasions like this, on days when i've been abused for too long.  and the meeting is filled with questions:  why do you allow yourself to be hurt so badly time and time again.  and i don't know what the answer is.  why build walls when no one will scale them for you?

there are portrayals i choose to believe and there is truth.  the cloudy haze that i create says that there are deep parts of me that will stick with you forever.  that one day i will be gone and you will regret not having treated me better, kinder, with more respect.  that on some level you loved me.  truth's portrayal is like a giant hand waving the clouds away from my eyes to better see the actuality of a situation.  a situation that tells truth to stand up straight and pay attention.  that i deserve to be treated better.

it's not that i don't think i deserve good things, i realize that in small ways i allow myself to be this person.  but for all the blame i take, i'm giving most of it back to all of you.  because no one should take advantage of good nature and i will no longer be penalized for doing so.

all i ask is that you remember my words.  be fair to young hearts, treat them well, love them because they love you.  and if you can't do this, you no longer have space in or around my heart.

i can't be any clearer.

love teaches love, or how human kindness remains

i was in line at the drive thru yesterday morning trying to get a cup of coffee.  i waited in line for maybe five minutes, no longer than usual, placed my order and followed the cars one by one towards the window.  when i arrived, i reached out to hand over my money when the man gave me my coffee and told me that the woman in front of me paid for my order.

shocked, i drove around the building hoping to pull up next to the middle aged woman in the silver buick century, but she was gone.  my drive in to work was pieced with smiles, laughter and a confused but wondering mind.  the small act that was bestowed to me yesterday morning changed the course of my usual and mundane day.  my heart felt fuller and i was kind and warm to those around me; i consciously tried to be better. i told as many people as i could about how wonderful i felt and how this one woman decided that i deserved a break that day.

i feel like i've been shown true acts of kindness lately.  not all affect me, but they appear so vividly around me.  it is in small acts that we show our love for one another: letting someone out in traffic, giving a penny to the man in the checkout who happens to be short of change, holding a door, asking if help is needed, smiling at each other just to offer a simple greeting.  it is in these acts that i can lay down at night and rest my doubts knowing that there truly are still people who care for one another, friends and strangers alike.

these moments, though short lived, stay within us forever.  we will always remember the people who helped us when we needed it most.  it has been said that the human brain is programmed to forget bad memories and to harness the good, i firmly believe this.  if each day we lived to see another happy, we are doing our jobs here on earth.  regardless of the betrayal and pain our hearts have felt, we want to feel love.  we want to help each other and we want to do this for all the right reasons.  

i help because i can.  i help because i want to.  i help because i love.

if we all took a moment out of our day to help someone, a stranger, a friend or family member, we'd live longer, healthier and happier lives.  while i believe happiness starts from within, it's potential meets infinite ends when shared amongst each other.

live to dream

i sleep.

i sleep to dream,

and on occasion i'll dream of you.

in my dreams i'm your best friend

and we hold hands and share our secrets.

in my dreams you kiss me sweetly

and stare into my eyes.

in my dreams we're the only two

and i know you're all i need.

i sleep to dream about you

and dread any waking moment

because outside of dreams,

in a reality i no longer create,

you are not any of these things.

 outside my dreams you love another

and with that i can't compete.

outside my dreams you switch direction

dodging messages i quietly send.

outside my dreams you do not care

and my heart hangs heavy in the wake.

so tonight, i'll close my eyes

and before i drift away

i'll think of you and smile.

because in my dreams you wait for me

and when i come for you,

reality will no longer have it's say

in a world which i create.

the secret of trees

i listen to the wind in the trees
and i wonder what its like.
to be free of demand and conformity
to give way to what's expected.

then i wonder what its like to be you
and to know the safety you seemingly possess.
to be free of the thoughts that bind me
to give way to the net that traps.

i like to think my role is important
and that my well shall never run dry
but i worry of good intentions
i feed into darkening skies.

but its moments like this i am to be thankful
to be content in where i am
and it's times like this i can fold my hands
and be happy near where you stand.

amicus animae

i'll never be able to write the words you should always hear.

no definition, nor explanation, nor articulation 

could mold itself to what i feel.

because terms that rest on shoulders 

of immature and young hearted lips

waste time on phrases so shallow

and trash meanings you know exist.

i'll never have to ask you questions that burn my heart

and i'll never need reaffirmation of who i am in this space

because you and i are together

though very far away

and i want you to know 

all the comfort i have

even though it's hard to say.

that in no other realm i can think of

and no other travel i could seek

would i find someone else 

who would love me this way

because you are my solid foundation through it all

through sorrow and pain

through laughter and love

and for this i could never repay you

and you need to know all of this

though i may lose you 

in moments between here and there

you'll always be the one

who understands

and can see me through wretched days

i'll never be able to explain to you

all the reasons i feel this way

but the best part of me

is the best part of you; 

there is nothing more i could say.

 

what matters

eyes to see the beauty of the world, 

the green of life, the blue of wonder.

ears to hear sounds of harmony

songs of love, rhythms of life.

a mouth to speak of my thoughts,

to taste of purity, to kiss through pain.

hands to touch what has been created,

to feel textures, to hold others.

feet to move towards such things, 

to run in the distance, to walk in paths of light.

a mind to know better,

to think clearly, to ponder more than is seen.

a soul to belong to

to keep perspective clear, to carry on when it's over.

a heart to bring life to it all

to beat, to love unconditionally.

i've lost you

harsh winds and violent squalls would do nothing to break my claim

through narrow findings and wide escapes

i snap the branches that interrupt your path

storms that brought carnage long before your life touched mine

wreak little havoc on the bones i stand on now

and while my stance is strong

prepared for the worst of what i have not seen

my purpose 

like dry dust settling after heavy rain fall

is nowhere to be found

breakage of stamina in many new realms

defeats the sturdiness that brought me here

and you

the one i have carefully watched

through unknown but warranted ways

i've lost.

brake lights

you build me up just to break me down

and i can't quite get it straight.

what i've felt has since surpassed

brushed me over like it mattered.

knowing how it is with you, with me

on terms i never wanted to accept

in bouts of denial, sacrificial to hearts

feeling torn and somewhat battered.

because i can't flip the switch like you can

and maybe i don't want to know otherwise

i started to think it'd become different

but only existed in dreams as i slept.

i've wanted to matter on terms of my own

and to let myself free this time,

nor confidence nor appeal nor force of will

would paint me differently in your eyes.

and today as i settle on things i must learn

through my internal conflicts and strife

nothing has been as clear and condense

as the red of your harsh brake lights.

tree line

come with me and stand

at the tree line near the road

stretch your arms out towards the fading sun

and remember why you're here.

now hold my hand 

and squeeze real tight

let your fear and sadness leave.

speak no words

hum no song

be present with what you feel.

listen to the thoughts 

you have inside

pay no time to what makes you weak.

be better than 

what you leave behind

take nothing from here to there.

and when you walk away 

from the tree line near the road

take a deep breath 

stretch out your arms

and remember me like this.

tree of hearts

 

if hearts grew on trees,

i'd plant seeds every day

wait patiently near mounds of earth

across rough roots i'd lay.

if tears would make them bloom,

i'd cry almost every night.

if laughter gave life to your limbs

i'd find joy with all my might.

and if i could buy your love

with the hearts i tended to

i'd give them all up, i'd cut them down

sacrificing each one for you.

the dream

you were sitting on the ledge of my window

and i against the wall on my wooden desk chair.

in silence we stared at one another,

and you know what i wanted.

you had promised yourself to me many times before; 

i was aiming to collect.

you had the letter in your hand, 

and in small cursive letters, my name was spelled out.

before i could stand and run to your words,

you walked right through the glass.

as you fell, in slow motion i watched

and you nearly hit the ground.

in some unexplainable way, black feathers shot from your arms

and you suddenly began to fly.

high up near the clouds that had since turned to gray

i lost sight of you against charcoal smears.

only moments had passed when you began to descend

but your wings would not resist the wind.

with rushing force, you fell from the sky 

and landed in a moss filled swamp.

to my surprise, you were not alone; 

thousands of others float lifeless near you now.

the letter you left on my window ledge

that i hoped had the answers to all i'd want, 

was nothing but blank page after page

even in dreams you hid truth from me.

i'll show you

this world hasn't always been kind

to tender hearts like yours.

having never asked for anything

but expecting love all the same; 

receiving back and forth direction

not knowing who to trust.

looking around dark corners

in unsuspecting views,

watching everyone over your shoulder

fearing disappointment.

pieces of you have been left behind

and some may never be found.

because people you loved hurt you

and that you never deserved.

as you aged you grew a bit wiser

and opened parts for them to see

but in fates that twist in unseen ways

they dragged you back for more.

i'm not going to be the one

who saves you from your pain, 

who takes you from imperfect lands

or seeks the answers of your descent.

but i'll be the one to show you

that i won't leave your side

and in times of struggle or despair

i won't be far behind.

and i'll be the one who shows you

that darkness still needs light

and loving hearts live long past pain; 

i'm always on your side.

everyone said it better

under a cotton blue sky filled with cherubim clouds

i smiled all day long

singing joyfully down streets of green

the sweet summer wind caressed the blonde strands of my hair

i couldn't have asked for more

in clearer minds i see you now

and this clarity nearly robs my breath

stars that had dimmed in a bruised night's sky 

had clouded definition i knew existed

through others words and melodies so sweet

i thought i could say it to you

i've thought of a thousand things to say

but everyone said it better

so know that in parts

however small, however big

that today i was happy

and to thank you seems too much

but know that this is true

agape

unconditional love.

love which knows nothing more than to comfort and console.

a feeling of connection

that is far beyond one's control.

a love deeper than that of a man

a word that can not explain; 

the unspoken that no one may understand.

that feeling of unburdened faith, 

a caressing soothe that is caught off guard

linked in and attached to an expression

takes no pleasure nor reward.

as if magnetic force had drawn you here

and that electrical surge you cannot ignore

could string itself from universe to ground

from mountain to plain, from sea to shore.

you know what this is, you've felt it before

this love for humanity that we try and shape

can't ever be broken, as hard as some try

we continue to love and forget how to hate.

smile through my tears

i could never regret

days that have come before

because without yesterday 

i couldn't be prepared for tomorrow

and though it seems

in fits of anger and moments so sad

like i would give it back

to make things right

the right would be wrong

and i'd have changed my path

so instead of backtracking days before

i look to life ahead

and in the face of regret i smirk

and politely shake his hand

because even when it rains

and the sun shines at the same time

it's like today was meant to be

and i can smile through my tears.

oh that heart,

which hurts my heart

why do i let you though?

the heart you draw

territorially loud

won't make his heart grow.

for the heart he has

that's not for you

and has never been for me

is for newer prospects

with gullable hearts

in love with him they'll be.

going nowhere

i'm going nowhere.

i feel slightly numb.

writing is an outlet for me and allows me to be who i want to be,

when i want to be,

where i want to be.

i wear my heart on my sleeve.

the problem i face with such low walls is i have the ability to be hurt.

and that's what i've done, 

what i'm doing.

it's easy to blame others for the way we feel inside and the torment we're "put through".

but as i'm sure i've said before, 

it's easier to blame than to accept the responsibility for how you let others make you feel.

it's funny how you remember things.

how sometimes only good memories flood your mind 

and how you laugh to yourself about how dumb your decisions were and still might be.

i can smile to myself for moments when i think shallowly about our past

and when i don't allow for other people or words to barge through those thoughts.

remembering how much of myself i explored with you and through you.

how i did things, 

said things, 

saw things i never fathomed i would.

but this is going nowhere.

the waves that once rushed through me have subsided.

and i've grown used to the disappointment and the sadness, 

the hurt and the numb.

because feeling these things seemed worth feeling.

i mean the very idea of feeling something over nothing at all was addictive.

i can't be who you want me to be, especially because i don't think i'd ever be good enough.

i can't be her, and even if i were, i don't think you'd care.

and please know, i wanted to be; with so many wishes and prayers, i thought i could.

i never thought i'd want to be someone else so badly.

but i guess i always thought that you'd care more because i cared so much.

you are not to blame for the subtext i hear

or the words that aren't spoken

and how i wear such vulnerability so exposed for you to see.

the hard thing about writing this down is that it has certainly become true.

truer than the first word,

the first sentence,

and the last.

i miss so much in missing you.

but like steady roads traveled on safe plains through quiet calm nights,

sadly, we're going nowhere.

 

where i met God

in a cave, carved out of snow

three feet up from the cement

under the street light on my street

in front of my house next to father's car

on winter break two days before christmas,

about to storm.  in a snow suit

boots in place, mittens gone missing, 

eyes frozen shut, hands clasped, mind open.

under the street light above the cement

in a cave carved out of snow, 

is where i met God.

more

in the quiet navy night

celestial sequins paint the sky

turning tips of green leaves silver

as the wind brings them to life

up stretched upon his toes

silk smooth grass runs faster than he

arms shot out unto his sides

hands reach out for something more

palms up to catch the beams

moonlight dances through distant trees

catching glimpses of what's sought

and what is seemingly out of reach

leaping out from hill to hill

he stops sudden in familiar place

lifts eyes to watch the show

celestial sequins leave him to smile

the road

i've written all the words i can

to make you understand this better.

through sloppy metaphor and tiring pentameter

i've breached my creative limits.

in threatening ways, i've balanced our friendship

though many of them were bluffs.

on a scale that was never level

i've rested in places of dissatisfying content.

and yet, before i leave to dream of things to come

i can't stop myself from a lasting note.

it would be unfair of me to write poorly of you

even though you deserve it.

and the satisfaction of leaving on such poor terms

would, selfishly, leave an unease.

so, in tradition with the advice i give

and what i hope for you and your future...

please treat others better than me,

and love them for what they want to be to you.

because you never know who will come around

when you think you need them least,

and hopefully you've learned from me, as i from you

and you're willing to give it a try.

but my friend, this is the last note i'll write you; 

exhaustion has found my end.

d.a.b.d.a

you're probably too busy to see me today

and you're right, it is kind of late.

you'll probably call me tomorrow or the next

and i'll be ready when you decide to talk.

i'm so through with you and your silly mind games

and the way you choose to treat me.

you make me feel sick, and so fucking abused

i'm moving on, and you should too.

but, if i treat you really well, better than before,

maybe you'll take me back.

if i put you on pedestals, higher than high,

maybe you'll forgive me from before.

i'm going to buy myself some icecream 

and cry to sad songs.

lay in bed watching my phone

but i know you won't call.

this is how it has been, and it's time to move on

from your careless and using ways.

denial, anger, bargaining, depression aside; 

i'm accepting my future without you.

flightless bird

i know where you go when your eyes drift away

and your thoughts lose direction, 

when you smile to yourself.

i know why you lead me down unmarked paths,

why you're in a state of absence,

who has a grip on your mind.

i thought i had found my flightless bird,

a creature able to fly,

who turns away from such freedoms.

i hoped you would find love in my heart,

strength in my stance

and a mate near my soul.

yet you found another in streams of obligation,

clouds of content,

in tales of misleading.

you gave up pieces of yourself with little protest,

signed away lumps of your soul,

for present company pleasure.

but you misjudged me long ago when you thought i'd leave

where you thought i would wait,

to be easily found.

and in places where i go when my eyes drift away

and my thoughts lose direction and i smile to myself,

you are no longer there.

giape

[what i hope for you]

 

be fair to young hearts that pull at your thoughts

and be sweet in good favor to those who deserve you

replace tabs of ripped flesh with pieces so tender

and kiss the lids of loving eyes that only for you exist

write her the words you've been hesitant to say

carefully choose phrasing that won't mislead or confuse

she's been waiting for this moment from you

for pain burns the love she feels but can not show

and now as you leave here, you leave her too

fairness to blind love is demanded

for the heart strings you pull upon unsturdy whims

take longer to heal and never regain their patient strength

and young girls in young love will remember these times

comparisons grind deep as dust settles down your path

so be fair to her heart as you tell her goodbye

kiss her cheek sweetly and wipe the tears from her eyes

please remember what i say as she watches you leave

for her story begins when you finally turn her page

9

lifted to atmospheric heights, i dance upon the clouds

eager smiles and giddy laughter flutters in my heart

a feeling of purity and direction ceases all worry

i look down below at where i was once

and furrow at thoughts of a timid nature

how time and space has changed this brave girl

as a navy sky envelopes the sun's swollen rays

i wrap myself in the safe white fluffy love

never again needing the earth's surface against my feet

i delight in who i'll be

i delight in who i'll be one day

when i meet you again.

like a pleasant memory from a future life

that cares not why or when.

and still sometimes it makes me sad

to leave a part of me behind.

because who i am today

is who you knew

when you meant so much to me

and i meant so much to you.

yet, i'm excited to meet this new version

and see where these months take me next.

because regardless of what you've touched in my past

and what i may tell people that you've ruined,

i'll be better,

and for this i'm delighted.