an open letter

the hardest part was letting go, not taking part.  
you really broke my heart.

i love.  with every breath i take, i love everyone, everything, everyday that i am given.  in times of pain, i see days without.  during dark trials, i see light around corners.  i am hopeful that one day i will be shown the kind of love that i bestow unto the world and mostly unto people.

maybe i'm addicted to bad behavior.  or perhaps i lure people into my life that i allow to take advantage of me and my willing nature.  and it makes me so sad that anyone would do this to me.  that someone i would move mountains for, someone i would try and protect every single day would not do the same for me.  it wakes me up at 3:30 in the morning to a pool of tears.  

the realization is bad itself because that takes time.  but then there are more direct confrontations you see.  it's as if my true self and this loving alternate version of myself meet only on occasions like this, on days when i've been abused for too long.  and the meeting is filled with questions:  why do you allow yourself to be hurt so badly time and time again.  and i don't know what the answer is.  why build walls when no one will scale them for you?

there are portrayals i choose to believe and there is truth.  the cloudy haze that i create says that there are deep parts of me that will stick with you forever.  that one day i will be gone and you will regret not having treated me better, kinder, with more respect.  that on some level you loved me.  truth's portrayal is like a giant hand waving the clouds away from my eyes to better see the actuality of a situation.  a situation that tells truth to stand up straight and pay attention.  that i deserve to be treated better.

it's not that i don't think i deserve good things, i realize that in small ways i allow myself to be this person.  but for all the blame i take, i'm giving most of it back to all of you.  because no one should take advantage of good nature and i will no longer be penalized for doing so.

all i ask is that you remember my words.  be fair to young hearts, treat them well, love them because they love you.  and if you can't do this, you no longer have space in or around my heart.

i can't be any clearer.