an open letter

the hardest part was letting go, not taking part.  
you really broke my heart.

i love.  with every breath i take, i love everyone, everything, everyday that i am given.  in times of pain, i see days without.  during dark trials, i see light around corners.  i am hopeful that one day i will be shown the kind of love that i bestow unto the world and mostly unto people.

maybe i'm addicted to bad behavior.  or perhaps i lure people into my life that i allow to take advantage of me and my willing nature.  and it makes me so sad that anyone would do this to me.  that someone i would move mountains for, someone i would try and protect every single day would not do the same for me.  it wakes me up at 3:30 in the morning to a pool of tears.  

the realization is bad itself because that takes time.  but then there are more direct confrontations you see.  it's as if my true self and this loving alternate version of myself meet only on occasions like this, on days when i've been abused for too long.  and the meeting is filled with questions:  why do you allow yourself to be hurt so badly time and time again.  and i don't know what the answer is.  why build walls when no one will scale them for you?

there are portrayals i choose to believe and there is truth.  the cloudy haze that i create says that there are deep parts of me that will stick with you forever.  that one day i will be gone and you will regret not having treated me better, kinder, with more respect.  that on some level you loved me.  truth's portrayal is like a giant hand waving the clouds away from my eyes to better see the actuality of a situation.  a situation that tells truth to stand up straight and pay attention.  that i deserve to be treated better.

it's not that i don't think i deserve good things, i realize that in small ways i allow myself to be this person.  but for all the blame i take, i'm giving most of it back to all of you.  because no one should take advantage of good nature and i will no longer be penalized for doing so.

all i ask is that you remember my words.  be fair to young hearts, treat them well, love them because they love you.  and if you can't do this, you no longer have space in or around my heart.

i can't be any clearer.

love teaches love, or how human kindness remains

i was in line at the drive thru yesterday morning trying to get a cup of coffee.  i waited in line for maybe five minutes, no longer than usual, placed my order and followed the cars one by one towards the window.  when i arrived, i reached out to hand over my money when the man gave me my coffee and told me that the woman in front of me paid for my order.

shocked, i drove around the building hoping to pull up next to the middle aged woman in the silver buick century, but she was gone.  my drive in to work was pieced with smiles, laughter and a confused but wondering mind.  the small act that was bestowed to me yesterday morning changed the course of my usual and mundane day.  my heart felt fuller and i was kind and warm to those around me; i consciously tried to be better. i told as many people as i could about how wonderful i felt and how this one woman decided that i deserved a break that day.

i feel like i've been shown true acts of kindness lately.  not all affect me, but they appear so vividly around me.  it is in small acts that we show our love for one another: letting someone out in traffic, giving a penny to the man in the checkout who happens to be short of change, holding a door, asking if help is needed, smiling at each other just to offer a simple greeting.  it is in these acts that i can lay down at night and rest my doubts knowing that there truly are still people who care for one another, friends and strangers alike.

these moments, though short lived, stay within us forever.  we will always remember the people who helped us when we needed it most.  it has been said that the human brain is programmed to forget bad memories and to harness the good, i firmly believe this.  if each day we lived to see another happy, we are doing our jobs here on earth.  regardless of the betrayal and pain our hearts have felt, we want to feel love.  we want to help each other and we want to do this for all the right reasons.  

i help because i can.  i help because i want to.  i help because i love.

if we all took a moment out of our day to help someone, a stranger, a friend or family member, we'd live longer, healthier and happier lives.  while i believe happiness starts from within, it's potential meets infinite ends when shared amongst each other.

live to dream

i sleep.

i sleep to dream,

and on occasion i'll dream of you.

in my dreams i'm your best friend

and we hold hands and share our secrets.

in my dreams you kiss me sweetly

and stare into my eyes.

in my dreams we're the only two

and i know you're all i need.

i sleep to dream about you

and dread any waking moment

because outside of dreams,

in a reality i no longer create,

you are not any of these things.

 outside my dreams you love another

and with that i can't compete.

outside my dreams you switch direction

dodging messages i quietly send.

outside my dreams you do not care

and my heart hangs heavy in the wake.

so tonight, i'll close my eyes

and before i drift away

i'll think of you and smile.

because in my dreams you wait for me

and when i come for you,

reality will no longer have it's say

in a world which i create.

the secret of trees

i listen to the wind in the trees
and i wonder what its like.
to be free of demand and conformity
to give way to what's expected.

then i wonder what its like to be you
and to know the safety you seemingly possess.
to be free of the thoughts that bind me
to give way to the net that traps.

i like to think my role is important
and that my well shall never run dry
but i worry of good intentions
i feed into darkening skies.

but its moments like this i am to be thankful
to be content in where i am
and it's times like this i can fold my hands
and be happy near where you stand.

amicus animae

i'll never be able to write the words you should always hear.

no definition, nor explanation, nor articulation 

could mold itself to what i feel.

because terms that rest on shoulders 

of immature and young hearted lips

waste time on phrases so shallow

and trash meanings you know exist.

i'll never have to ask you questions that burn my heart

and i'll never need reaffirmation of who i am in this space

because you and i are together

though very far away

and i want you to know 

all the comfort i have

even though it's hard to say.

that in no other realm i can think of

and no other travel i could seek

would i find someone else 

who would love me this way

because you are my solid foundation through it all

through sorrow and pain

through laughter and love

and for this i could never repay you

and you need to know all of this

though i may lose you 

in moments between here and there

you'll always be the one

who understands

and can see me through wretched days

i'll never be able to explain to you

all the reasons i feel this way

but the best part of me

is the best part of you; 

there is nothing more i could say.

 

what matters

eyes to see the beauty of the world, 

the green of life, the blue of wonder.

ears to hear sounds of harmony

songs of love, rhythms of life.

a mouth to speak of my thoughts,

to taste of purity, to kiss through pain.

hands to touch what has been created,

to feel textures, to hold others.

feet to move towards such things, 

to run in the distance, to walk in paths of light.

a mind to know better,

to think clearly, to ponder more than is seen.

a soul to belong to

to keep perspective clear, to carry on when it's over.

a heart to bring life to it all

to beat, to love unconditionally.

i've lost you

harsh winds and violent squalls would do nothing to break my claim

through narrow findings and wide escapes

i snap the branches that interrupt your path

storms that brought carnage long before your life touched mine

wreak little havoc on the bones i stand on now

and while my stance is strong

prepared for the worst of what i have not seen

my purpose 

like dry dust settling after heavy rain fall

is nowhere to be found

breakage of stamina in many new realms

defeats the sturdiness that brought me here

and you

the one i have carefully watched

through unknown but warranted ways

i've lost.

brake lights

you build me up just to break me down

and i can't quite get it straight.

what i've felt has since surpassed

brushed me over like it mattered.

knowing how it is with you, with me

on terms i never wanted to accept

in bouts of denial, sacrificial to hearts

feeling torn and somewhat battered.

because i can't flip the switch like you can

and maybe i don't want to know otherwise

i started to think it'd become different

but only existed in dreams as i slept.

i've wanted to matter on terms of my own

and to let myself free this time,

nor confidence nor appeal nor force of will

would paint me differently in your eyes.

and today as i settle on things i must learn

through my internal conflicts and strife

nothing has been as clear and condense

as the red of your harsh brake lights.

tree line

come with me and stand

at the tree line near the road

stretch your arms out towards the fading sun

and remember why you're here.

now hold my hand 

and squeeze real tight

let your fear and sadness leave.

speak no words

hum no song

be present with what you feel.

listen to the thoughts 

you have inside

pay no time to what makes you weak.

be better than 

what you leave behind

take nothing from here to there.

and when you walk away 

from the tree line near the road

take a deep breath 

stretch out your arms

and remember me like this.