mantra

ember rocks and wooden crosses.

a high place to stand, new construction, world domination.

dirty hair, green lights, violins.

fire and rain.

black talent, white trash, soy sauce.

crimson tails and patchouli.

windy trees, stars, swans and fountains.

lakes.

circular moon beams and forest preservation.

tan skin, swing sets and glowing trees.

tidal waves, mountains, needles and ink.

scars, chlorine, chronicles

cheap beer, lemons, clubs

phil collins, raw fish, empty canvas

stale smoke, nurseries, corner coffee shops

philosophers and planes.

orange flowers.

it doesn’t matter today.

goodbye horses

i laugh.
what a fool i have been,
and so blinded by stories.

ways in which i feel sorrow for you,
and play in to such unfair schemes.

thinking i could be someone i am not,
someone you would care more for,
someone who i don't want to be.

molding myself in to a woman
that would be fit to be called your own.

watching your ways,
observing interests that seem important to you,
yet run parallel to me.

women who fit these molds,
girls who have squeezed their way in to you; 
pouring all they have to light fire in your eyes.

how silly have i been.
letting days pass me by,
losing a recollection i once knew so well.

but i think sometimes,
when you've finally lessened my own self worth,
how awful are you?

to sit by and watch as you wave hearts from your face
like mosquitoes buzzing around your sweat filled brow.

better to be a fool in love,
than a fool running from it.

white rapids

rough waters i have swam

rocky trails i have traced

and steep hills i have climbed

still puts acres between you and i.

i suppose that great feats

would prove something to you this time,

but i can't seem to do it right.

others, my competitive foes

seem to only move through

with ease.

but the battle seems uneven

as you never let me win.

just as i break down the stone

that keeps one side from another

you build your mountains higher

and the journey begins again.

car window

driving to a familiar place, 

i roll my window down to breathe in crisp summer smells.
one hand on the wheel, the other dangling out to dance through the wind, 

i smile at the flashing memory.

the taste of tobacco on my tongue and the shifting air across my back 

leads me to a vivid flash.

and just as soon as i think of you, the image begins to fade.

i smile at the distance as a song comes on that reminds me of your ways,

and breaches other thoughts that work their way in.

time has created this gap and space holds it strong like two bases of a concrete bridge.

and though tears try and find their way as a familiar sadness enters my heart,

the flashes dissipate once more.

for you, my once trusted

my once thought of,

my once loved...

have trailed away from me

as sudden and smooth as the wind that still dances around my hand.

an open letter

the hardest part was letting go, not taking part.  
you really broke my heart.

i love.  with every breath i take, i love everyone, everything, everyday that i am given.  in times of pain, i see days without.  during dark trials, i see light around corners.  i am hopeful that one day i will be shown the kind of love that i bestow unto the world and mostly unto people.

maybe i'm addicted to bad behavior.  or perhaps i lure people into my life that i allow to take advantage of me and my willing nature.  and it makes me so sad that anyone would do this to me.  that someone i would move mountains for, someone i would try and protect every single day would not do the same for me.  it wakes me up at 3:30 in the morning to a pool of tears.  

the realization is bad itself because that takes time.  but then there are more direct confrontations you see.  it's as if my true self and this loving alternate version of myself meet only on occasions like this, on days when i've been abused for too long.  and the meeting is filled with questions:  why do you allow yourself to be hurt so badly time and time again.  and i don't know what the answer is.  why build walls when no one will scale them for you?

there are portrayals i choose to believe and there is truth.  the cloudy haze that i create says that there are deep parts of me that will stick with you forever.  that one day i will be gone and you will regret not having treated me better, kinder, with more respect.  that on some level you loved me.  truth's portrayal is like a giant hand waving the clouds away from my eyes to better see the actuality of a situation.  a situation that tells truth to stand up straight and pay attention.  that i deserve to be treated better.

it's not that i don't think i deserve good things, i realize that in small ways i allow myself to be this person.  but for all the blame i take, i'm giving most of it back to all of you.  because no one should take advantage of good nature and i will no longer be penalized for doing so.

all i ask is that you remember my words.  be fair to young hearts, treat them well, love them because they love you.  and if you can't do this, you no longer have space in or around my heart.

i can't be any clearer.

love teaches love, or how human kindness remains

i was in line at the drive thru yesterday morning trying to get a cup of coffee.  i waited in line for maybe five minutes, no longer than usual, placed my order and followed the cars one by one towards the window.  when i arrived, i reached out to hand over my money when the man gave me my coffee and told me that the woman in front of me paid for my order.

shocked, i drove around the building hoping to pull up next to the middle aged woman in the silver buick century, but she was gone.  my drive in to work was pieced with smiles, laughter and a confused but wondering mind.  the small act that was bestowed to me yesterday morning changed the course of my usual and mundane day.  my heart felt fuller and i was kind and warm to those around me; i consciously tried to be better. i told as many people as i could about how wonderful i felt and how this one woman decided that i deserved a break that day.

i feel like i've been shown true acts of kindness lately.  not all affect me, but they appear so vividly around me.  it is in small acts that we show our love for one another: letting someone out in traffic, giving a penny to the man in the checkout who happens to be short of change, holding a door, asking if help is needed, smiling at each other just to offer a simple greeting.  it is in these acts that i can lay down at night and rest my doubts knowing that there truly are still people who care for one another, friends and strangers alike.

these moments, though short lived, stay within us forever.  we will always remember the people who helped us when we needed it most.  it has been said that the human brain is programmed to forget bad memories and to harness the good, i firmly believe this.  if each day we lived to see another happy, we are doing our jobs here on earth.  regardless of the betrayal and pain our hearts have felt, we want to feel love.  we want to help each other and we want to do this for all the right reasons.  

i help because i can.  i help because i want to.  i help because i love.

if we all took a moment out of our day to help someone, a stranger, a friend or family member, we'd live longer, healthier and happier lives.  while i believe happiness starts from within, it's potential meets infinite ends when shared amongst each other.

live to dream

i sleep.

i sleep to dream,

and on occasion i'll dream of you.

in my dreams i'm your best friend

and we hold hands and share our secrets.

in my dreams you kiss me sweetly

and stare into my eyes.

in my dreams we're the only two

and i know you're all i need.

i sleep to dream about you

and dread any waking moment

because outside of dreams,

in a reality i no longer create,

you are not any of these things.

 outside my dreams you love another

and with that i can't compete.

outside my dreams you switch direction

dodging messages i quietly send.

outside my dreams you do not care

and my heart hangs heavy in the wake.

so tonight, i'll close my eyes

and before i drift away

i'll think of you and smile.

because in my dreams you wait for me

and when i come for you,

reality will no longer have it's say

in a world which i create.